Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.” “My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times.” “WebMD is updating its server because of a virus.

Engage the mind and soul with classic quotations featuring authors from the ages, with wit, wisdom, and words that inspire. I had one-on-one speech therapy. And if someone says it is a gift, I'd love to return it.Almost all politicians are able to have a great one-on-one meeting. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” —“Never follow anyone else’s path. The rest I spent foolishly.” “I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. Good.” —“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” —Jimmy Kimmel“As far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.” —Calving Trillin“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. But I'm not interested in the candidate who can have a great meeting. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” “Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” —“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —“They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. Unless the job is a statistician.” —Adam Gropman“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” —“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” —“I love deadlines. Funny quotes on prodigies.

"I love going one-on-one with someone. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil. That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” “Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” “You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” “I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said.

Monogamy is the same.” Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt.

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